Kermit's Blog

I’m currently sat at work right now at 13:20pm, awaiting the next thing to do as I’ve done all I can for now (packaged items ready to go out), everyone else is orderin lunch but I’m quietly like “nah I don’t want anything” when truth be told I blew all my money at the weekend and have no money at all for this week.  I’m going to have to lend some money till Friday just so that I can get the bus to work etc…this morning I had to put in a great effort to get 20p’s out of a “smash to open” money case thing…I didn’t smash it, I just had to shake it for ages till stuff dropped out. :p  Anyway…moving on to more entertaining things.  The weekend just gone…

Friday, I went round to my friend Harry’s uni place, we basically had a dudes night of just drinking, smoking, and watching stand up comedy.  We both was pretty damn wasted from it all, and it was 5:30am when Harry  was out of it and I figured I’d walk home (which was like a 3 mile walk, and took me about 40mins).  Really cool night though.

Me in a lift on Friday

Saturday, the plan was for me, my friend Brad, my friend Pete and his fiancee Emma (who’s not just his fiancee, she’s a friend too) to all go have a night out at Warehouse.  I’ve kinda built that up like it wasn’t going to go to plan, but it did   We got into town sometime after 9.30pm, we started off in the 80′s bar (cause Warehouse doesn’t open till 10:30pm), and had a bunch to drink in there before heading off to Warehouse sometime before 11pm.  Once in Warehouse things picked up, we bounced around from floor to floor (3 floor club, different floors have different genres of rock/ alternative music), and we just generally had a laugh, danced about, and took a shit load of photos.  Had a blast getting drunk with them in Warehouse and the music was cool, and the drinks didnt stop coming.  It was great and once again; just what I needed.  Eventually Pete and Emma had to call it a night and it left me and Brad just dancing around talking to random people, and drinking more.  It was a cool night, one that I’ve spammed my Facebook with photos of.

Brad, Emma, Pete, Me

I’m not actually sure what time we left Warehouse, but I know we’d headed towards a nearby Subway for a sandwich after, and I think either before we went in or after, we had 2 chavvy guys come upto us and start talking, I don’t really remember what about, but these 2 people were cocky and not the kind of people I wanted to remember from such an epic night out.  Anyway, I know at some point during these guys hanging around and asking questions etc I had been and got subway (unless I already had it), because 1 guy was asking about the sauce on my sandwich, and told me to show it to his mate, so I did…and then his mate was like “get that away from me”, and the guy who told me to show his mate then turned and was like “yeah get that away from him” and at this point it was like “what the fuck are these dickheads going on about?”.  Anyway, I guess some words got said, they were clearly eager for a fight, probably saw me and thought “some guy with long hair, watch me twat me” anyway 1 guy sucker punched me in the mouth, busting open my lip.  Next thing you know it was a 2 vs 2 street fight, to which was a blur to me, but me and Brad owned, Brad had to pull me off the guy I was beating on the floor it was that much ownage.  After this I went in Subway again (cause the fight made my sandwich get floored), I was bleeding from the mouth quite bad, and there were loads of people in there sympathising with me and asking me questions, it was quite cool really…I was being treated like a war hero or something, shame I didn’t get my 2nd subway for free :p  As exciting as it is to tell a story where 2 assholes who thought they could take me and Brad out ended up getting there asses whooped, it’s still not something I’m exactly proud, I’m not the kind of guy to get in fights, I try to avoid them, but when push comes to shove…I’m not going to let some chav prick hit me in the lip and leave it at that.

I think after the subway thing the plan was for me and Brad to walk home, but somehow we got a cab (it was freezing though and I was just in a t-shirt and jeans), when we got back, Brad got some JD from his house and we went in my room and just stayed up drinking, and listening to music till we both pretty much passed out.

It’s monday now, and still my lip is douched.  It’s shrunk a bit since yesterday but the lucky chav who sucker punch’d me has hit my lip into my teeth (a pointy touch too) and its just opened up a nice wound there :p.  I can still occasionally taste blood in my mouth now.  Obviously I’m not going to have anything salty whilst my lips like this, otherwise it would sting like fuck.  Sunday was a bit of a shitty day though, I was really hungover and it just really dampens your day sometimes, I was still fairly upbeat and positive thanks to the great night I had, but I felt really drained of energy all day, and pretty much did nothing but stay in my room all day.  At night my depression thoughts kicked in though, I was just starting to feel really alone and it’s a crushing feeling for me when I get like that.  I really feel like I need some sort of meaningul interactivity with the opposite sex right now, I’m not saying I want a serious relationship, but I want a girl in my life who I find cool and vice versa and just someone to think about and spend time with etc.  It sounds kind of lame but I might give one of those online dating sites a try, just shove a profile on there etc and see what comes of it?  I guess I’ll just wait a few weeks and see what happens before I do that though.

Awesome Steak dinner my mum whipped up the other night

Another thing I’m thinking of doing is getting a loan sorted, only for about £1,000.  Basically at the moment I have just under £1000 in debts, and if I took out a small loan like that, I could pay off all the individual debts and have just 1 repayment to sort out.  It wouldn’t take me too long to pay back £1000 either, it’d give me peace of mind to know I didn’t have letters coming through the post every other day threatening me about payments etc.  I’d pay it all back before September this year at the latest so I shouldn’t get TOO much interest on it hopefully, and even still…for the convenience of me getting straight in terms of my finances, it’d be as if I’m paying for a valuable service to me right now.

In regards to bills though, I was literally smacked with a major plot twist on Saturday.  On Friday I contacted Laura via messaging her Facebook to tell her that our letting agency have sent a cheque for our deposit on our old place we had to together.  I told her the ammount (£450) and the fact that its in her name, so she’d need to cash it.   I told her about the bills that we’d got for Water/ Electricity and Council Tax that meant we could just pay them off with that money (these bills are for time that she was still living at that address), and she basically said she will cash the cheque, give me my half of the money but she won’t pay anything to those bills. :O
At first I thought she was misunderstood about this, so I tried to explain it more and she was still refusing to pay for these bills that she owed money for,  and I just couldnt understand what she was doing at all?
On the Saturday I said to her that if she wasn’t going to pay then I’d have to get copies made of the bills, and send a letter explaining it all and send it to her mum, just to see if maybe she would step in and talk logically to Laura about the fact that money needs to go to the bills.  The bills in total come to about £470, however because I lived there about 8 days after Laura I said I’d pay an extra £20 to the electricity bill.  So that cheque for £450 would basically wipe the slate clean on bills for that property.  I said to Laura that I couldn’t believe what she was saying and why she was being like this with me (so hostile etc), and she turned to personal digs, saying about how her life is now so much better etc.  To which I just said I was happy for her and had nothing against that.  She then added me on msn, and started giving me a bit more grief and then eventually said she’d give me £100 towards the bills but that was it (which still was not making sense seeing as how she literally owed money for those bills).
She obviously wasn’t going to back down in being a dick to me, so I just said that I’m going to have to try and explain this to the letting agency to see if they can either send the cheque again in my name, OR! if I can just send them the bills for the place, and they can then pay them off for us with that money.  If they can’t do that!…then I said I’d need to take this to the small claims court or something, because like I said…I have debt problems of my own so I can’t afford to just pay her bills for her.
She then just went and overloaded me with “fuck off” comments and “stop talking to me” comments (which was rich seeing as how the only reason I was talking to her was to sort a bill out, and the fact she was the one who started talking to me on msn).

Eventually I just blocked and deleted her because the person I once knew isn’t there anymore, I just found the whole ordeal to be unbelievable though.  3 weeks today, she kissed me in a night club, which was confusing to me, the next day she said it was cause I looked pretty and said it was just a bit of drunk fun etc (which I was fine with), and for that following week she was being friendly and asking for favours, but that week was also the week I started my anti-depressants, and I nicely told her that just for a few weeks or so I’d rather pump the brakes on us trying to be friends, just for me to try and move on and get my head right etc…she accepted that, kinda made it out like I was faking the whole thing (I wish), but she accepted that.  So the last I heard from her was mostly polite decent things, but then for her to be such an over the top dick to me on Saturday, it just shocked me big time to be honest.

In regards to my current state of depression, I’ve been having ups and downs recently.  Week 1 of my anti-depressants was an improvement for me, week 2 was a bit better too.  I’m in week 3 now and it’s been a bit up and down to be honest.  No matter how good of a time I have with friends, theres only so much that can do to cheer me up, I have a lot of fun whilst out and about etc, but at the end of the day when I get into bed on my own, or I’m just sat in my room with time to think…things just get me down and eat at me.  I saw the doctor for my follow up last Thursday, it wasnt the same person I saw 2 weeks before that (cause apparently they have to fill up another doctors schedule before they can book to other doctors).  So I was nervous telling yet another person about my problems etc, but the lady doctor I saw was once again really helpful and I felt as if she cared, so I really appreciated that.   Apparently I should’ve been eligible there to get my anti-depressants in 1 month supply, but because they want to keep tabs on me, I only got 2 weeks worth and have to go in again the Thursday after next, but to be honest I don’t mind that.  I also got a letter in the post saying I need to call the mental health team at the NHS (how bad does that make me sound :p), I asked the doc about this and she said they’ll just ask some questions and try and understand things more.  So it seems harmless and possibly more helpful.

Anywho, for now that’s it.  I’ve only been doing a 1 a week output of blogs recently it seems, for my own sake I’d like to up the number I do as I enjoy having them out there tbh.

Kermit is currently / recently:

Feeling:

• a lack of love in my life
• a hangover
• depression
• like good friends are possibly the highest commodity in life

Playing:

• Guitar Hero: World Tour (360)
• Wii Fit (Wii)
• Skate 2 (360)
• Pinball FX (XBLA) – Proper suck at this now though :p

Watching:

Current Mood: Aight, occupied with music and Scrubs

• Big Bang Theory
• Skins
• Reno 911
• Jack Dee Stand Up
• Metal Gear Solid 4 being played

Listening:

• Pendulum
• Paramore
• Journey
• Blink 182, +44
• H.I.M

I listen to LOADS of music on my iPod, I have over 1400 songs on it, but I’ve found myself listening to the above 6 artists a lot recently.

Random fact: This is officially my 129th Blog post.  Unofficially, I have done the occasional blog elsewhere which don’t count, such as on my msn live space (which I had forgotten about) and other sorts of random places that I blogged without really thinking of it as a blog tbh.  Obviously now it’s all official for me, I blog here at http://www.kusohappens.com/blog, it’s RSS feed’d into Facebook, and it gets random hits via other means.

So last night (Monday) I went out again…and I got major drunk, again. :p

On Sunday night, me and my friend Brad were just hanging out on the streets, and at one point we was just sat on our skateboards chatting, about alsorts really, but also about our break ups we’d both had, the causes behind them, how it’s hard to move on etc, and just tried to lift each other up I guess.  Monday after I got back from work, and Brad was home, we got to chatting and quickly came to the conclusion to go out…take our mind off things and have a laugh.  We’ve both made the mistake of going out on a work night and getting too drunk before…so we was going out with the intention of getting back early and not getting too drunk.

However we only actually got “clubbing” at about 9:45pm so the getting home early part was looking like a hard target to hit, anywho, we started off in the 80′s bar, which was at the time operating with a capacity of about 5 people (including me and brad), so we had a cocktail or 2 in there and figured we’d go to the other side of town, see what was happening there.  So we went to the Adelphi, had a few pints, put some music on the jukebox and then eventually made a move to Roper (which was looking to be a happening place to be when we walked past it earlier).  Inside Roper, upstairs, it was definitely “happening”, plus it was cheap drinks, and we both wanted to try and have a cheap night.  Although the cheap drinks were going to pose a problem for the whole “don’t get too drunk on a work night” idea.  So we were just drinking and having a laugh etc, then randomly Brad spotted Laura (my ex gf) and her friend at the bar, which was sort of odd.  We got talking etc, hugged, it gave me a feeling of a familiar warmt seeing her etc, they dissapeared soon after though.  Anywho we drank a load more, and was on the dance floor and then from that point on it’s kind of a blur.  I have photos of crowds and people I don’t know (and I’m not even in the picture), so it’s as if I designated myself as the club photographer at some point.  Silly boy.  Then sometime after that Brad had my phone to get some pictures too, and at this point I lost him somehow…:s

I don’t really recall how I got home, but given the lack of cash I had I presume I must’ve got a taxi.  I remember being locked out when I got home, and then apparently my dad woke up, and was pissed off at me (according to what my sister said), and then I woke up this morning with my room in a real mess.  Spilt water all over my PC and floor, and I was just feeling major hungover and sick.  I tried to be sick…but nothing was happening there, and I had some water but that didn’t help either.  I nipped to Brads to see if he had maybe missed work, cause I needed to get my phone back (to do my own job), but no one was in.  So I had to miss work because of that :p, I haven’t spoke to my dad (didn’t want to after being told he was shouting etc), and I haven’t spoke to him since he’s come home tonight too, been sort of avoiding him incase he’s in a mood.  It’ll be awkward when I go into work tomorrow and try and act like nothing happened.  I can’t believe he was a dickhead too me last night though, as far as I remember I was locked out, so what the hell was I supposed to do?  I hate my dad sometimes, and I was really not wanting to move back here if it was going to be that I’d have to put up with him stressing at me.

Apart from the hangover today though, I want to try and fix some other things too.  I need to be able to go out and not get absolutely mega drunk to the point where I don’t remember parts of my night.  It wasn’t always like this, but more recently it’s like I only go out once a month or so, so when I do go out I go ALL out at it.  Sometimes it’s fun, but recently I’ve been having regrets the next day, and I hate that.  I definitely had a good night on both Saturday and last night, but there’s things I would’ve liked to of done differently or just not done all together.  So I need to be more careful when going out now to pace myself, and a new year is a good time to have a new start at things.

Also I need to fix my emotional confusion about my ex, Laura.  Seeing her last night was good, but at the same time it’s set me back a bit.  I thought I was pretty much over her in terms of my heart being weighed down with sadness over the loss…but thinking about it today, I’m still sad, and I miss her :\  I don’t know how to fix that though, so I guess I just gotta keep my mind on other things.

I don’t think I’ll go out again for a few weeks now, partly because I don’t really have the money too, and also because it just seems sort of pointless now.  I suppose one of the reasons I’ve been going out recently is because I was hearing that Laura had been out etc, so it kind of made me sad to know she was out having a good time etc, so I felt like I needed to go out and have fun with my friends, which is fair enough, and I still want to do that…I just don’t want to do that in night clubs etc for a few weeks or so.  Plus recently when it comes to going home on my own, or being alone for a moment whilst drunk late in the night, I come close to drunk dialling her, which isn’t fair on her, and doesn’t help me move on.

Another thing I need to sort out whilst I can is money issues, I’m behind on a few bills and I need to sort that out.  I’ve been putting them off thinking I’ll pay them the following week etc, but with all this confusion and the need to go out to try and cheer myself up…I’m not getting anywhere.  I don’t feel stressed out by the bills, but some of them I’m getting charges on so it’s just getting worse.  One thing I wanted to do whilst being at my parents was get upto date on bills, and then start saving for things I need or have been wanting for a while, and then I could start saving to be able to move out again.  1 trouble there is that I can’t afford to live on my own, especially not with me hopefully going to University later this year, so I need to live with someone so that it’s not too cost heavy (as living alone would be).  The problem is is that my friends that I’d like to move out with can’t afford too.    I really really enjoyed the freedom of living away from my parents, and it sucks not having that freedom anymore, to the point where I’m borderline depressed about it to be honest.

Anyway, this hangover I have isn’t going anywhere   I’ve took paracetamol, and I had Subway earlier (thanks to my sister going out and getting it for me), which helped a bit at the time, but now I’m either feeling sick because I’m hungry again or sick because I’m hungover and possibly needing to be sick.  I’ve had a shower too which sometimes helps with a hangover, but not this time .  I really wish I wasn’t hungover and really wish something would happen in my life to make me able to come home, sit down and actually be happy with myself again, cause right now I’m upset/ depressed, and currently not feeling too good.

Sad Panda (SP reference)

I’m going to end this blog now I think, I might have a 1 hour nap to try and shift this hangover, I’m not well enough to take a picture of myself for my usual “current mood” endings I’d normally finish a blog with, plus its safe to say my current mood isnt a joyful one.
…here’s hoping my next blog comes with a smile.

Adios, Kermit

So yeah…

Yesterday, after work, my cousin Edd whom I haven’t seen in a long time came round to mine. We was to partake in some heavy 2 player partying here, that just didn’t go to a good start.

Somewhere between Morrisons and my house I managed to lose my door keys, at first I thought it was just stupidity and that they’d turn up either on my car seat or under it like they have done before (fell out my pocket or whatever). However, this time after checking like a hawk in the car park, outside my house, and in Morrisons…it just wasnt coming to a happy ending.

I asked some woman in morrisons what I do now…locksmith? O_o? She had no idea, I rang my mum with the same question, to which she had no idea about locksmith prices and info etc. So…I figured I’d 118118 “24hour locksmiths in preston”, they gave me some number which they said was “ASAP Locksmiths Preston” so I thought “yay, a little local firm”, but no…I spoke to some foreign sounding person who was pushing an american accent, and I was just straight up and asking for the price of having someone come round. To which she slapped me in the face with “£55 call out fee, + labour”, to that I was just like “erm…no it’s alright, thanks” and just before I hung up she was like “whats your name please” to which I was like “what?” and just hung up.

So…I don’t have that kind of money to pay a locksmith what could’ve ended up being upto like £100, so I had to start thinking about smashing a window…cause window replacement isn’t as costly…but it’s more awkward and not something I wanted to have to do. So I began thinking and we had a window in our house that had a loose-ish latch on it,

Seat adjuster/ crowbar

so armed with what used to be the thing to move the passenger seat forward/backward in my car (it snapped off a while ago). We walked around to the back of my house (like proper dodgy thieving bastard types :\), and tried to pry open this window. At first it didn’t seem like it was going to happen, but after we both had at it from both ends, somehow the wood gave way, broke, and the window opened like a present from the skies!

We was in! We was fkn in!!!!
WOOOOO!!

I was so happy when we got in, I thought I was proper screwed over having lost my key and having no money to spare on window repairs/ locksmiths etc, but we got in. Sure we had to repair the wood and the latch (any proper burglar could’ve broke in really so it’s a good thing we did), but we’d turned a 1hour search of everywhere we’d stepped, then a worrying bunch of calls to people for advice or for prices…to actually being back in my own place. Armed with pizzas and beer etc.

First thing we did was watch Reno 911: Miami (which I’ve never seen before, yet had on DVD for like a year). Beforehand we’d played a bunch of Guitar Hero World Tour so we was burned out on that, and no longer sober enough for that kind of thing. However, Edd was into playing some SingStar and with a few beers in me I was ok with that. So we played singstar for about an hour, then it turned into an argument over me thinking Steve Perry is the best voice ever, and Edd thinking Freddie Mercury was…

So naturally I Journey’d him up by shoving on there greatest hits DVD, to which he had little complaints too, I think by this time Edd had been sick and I was still drinking…which was stupid of me cause I said I wouldn’t go stupid (although I didn’t do anything too bad as in whisky or vodka consumption). Anywho by about 4am I think it was Game Over time for us both…well, me, as Edd was already asleep in a bean bag chair.

Today…I didn’t want to get up, I woke up at sometime around 8:45am originally and my head was just like “no!…if you get up now, I will hurt you all day long”, so I had to listen to that, and sleep some more, I finally got up later on and the extra sleep has done me good. I feel as though if I had some Tropicana and a shower now, I would be 100% again. No aspirins etc required. Been waiting for a call to see if my dad needed me in work (as it’s too busy for me to do my job with him being the only person in upstairs for the festive holidays), but it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting a call today, which kinda sucks as I need money to get some bills done, and to be able to eye up what I can do tomorrow.

So…it’s a cold Tuesday afternoon. 1 I still would’ve tried skating in had I had to walk/ skate to work today, yesterday was quite fun, as there is so much downhill on the way home. Takes like an hour to get there and 25mins to get back, hehe. Tonight I think it’ll be some more Guitar Hero perhaps as Mossy is down for coming round, plus I hear there is a new episode of “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” to watch, which is like the first one in forever.  Today also brings in the depressing fact that I have 1 less day to live in this place I’ve called home for the past 8 months or so.

I’m also getting weak at nights too.  Like in bed just before I’m trying to go to sleep, I hug my new little bean bag pillow I got off my nan (I lost my old one when I moved here), and then my body just becomes marinated in thoughts of loneliness.  Then I start thinking I should text Laura.  That’s not going to accomplish anything, she won’t reply, and it’s not even what I actually want.

my pillow girlfriend

The thing I do want is to not feel so alone.  I’ve become accustomed to companionship, and it seems recently I’ve been trying to hide that feeling as much as possible by having friends round.  Yet even still, no matter how many friends are round sleeping on various furniture around me…when I lay on the single bed mattress I’m now currently on, hug my lil pillow, and make sure I’m self-tucked in to the single duvet.  I feel hollow, without someone to love or having someone love me.  I never realised how much I liked cuddling until it was gone .  Sucks too cause I know for me it’ll probably take me like half a year at least to find someone, and not just anyone…the right someone (I’m not rushing into anything).

Apologies for having to drop this blog from a funky breaking in and getting drunk story, to a “my loneliness/ emo-ish crybaby relationship mumbo jumbo”, but I couldn’t hold back on giving that shit a mention, I’m hoping it’s going to start getting easier now I’ve mentioned it.  That might be wishful thinking…

Anyway, that’s that for this blog.

Kermit is Currently/ Recently:

current mood: Not happy but not sad...just alright.

Playing:

• Guitar Hero World Tour – (360)
• Singstar (Amped & 80′s) – (PS2)

Watching:

• Reno 911: Miami
• Journey Greatest Hits

I cannot believe just how emotionally draining this month has been.  Well, technically the drain probably started in early November, but this month has been the peak of it.

I’ve come to realise today that I think I’m still a bit emotionally numb, and shook up by everything.  As sometimes I’ll be having what I think to be a nice conversation, or just a nice moment, and then it’s like when I walk away, everything becomes greyer and gloomier again.  Maybe I’m wrong though, maybe I’m just stronger now? and things just aren’t hitting emotion chords right now. I remember I had emotions like crazy for about 6days straight from Sunday 7th – Friday 12th, and when I say “emotions like crazy” that’s because that’s when I had my crying stage, that’s where I felt the most down, that’s where I began to think…if I can get hold of £1,000, I know a guy who knows a guy who says he can get a gun, and a gun to the head is a pain free ticket out.

Thankfully enough sanity inside me, plus kind support from friends during that time kept me from doing any sort of chasing up for a gun, or other suicidal methods, but each night when I got into my shitty spare-room/ post-break-up bed I’m sleeping in.  I would stare at the roof, hold tightly onto a plush toy, cry, and want to die.  It’s not all about the Laura issue, it was also in part to the time I was unemployed, and the way I was being stressed for money, bills coming at me, and the pending arrival of christmas in a time where I owe owe owe.  There was a night when I was crying so bad, I had a really bad headache and felt like I was going to pass out, I went to the bathroom, and had some water from the tap (I think), walking back to the spare room, I fainted.  I don’t remember it clearly, I just remember I woke up at fk knows what time in the middle of the morning lying in the hallway next to the radiator.  The next morning I had a bump on my head, and some scratches on my head too (I must’ve hit my head on the radiator when falling).

I never want to cry like that again, or at least if I do, I want (NEED!) someone to hug and tell me it’s ok.

Back on to now though,  December 24th, how do I feel?  How am I doing?
Well…it’s safe to say things aren’t as bad as they have been recently.  I’m slowly sorting out finances and should be all good and happy sometime in Jan, and my feelings for Laura are pretty much all drained out.  I have had so many long talks with friends in person, on facebook, on msn, I’ve had people who’ve heard my story (family, friends of family) give me support and tell me about there hard times and stuff.  I’ve also gone off some of Lauras advice, focus on the bad in our relationship, that there has not only helped me to get over her, but it’s also made me sort of angry at her and myself for all the stuff I’ve put up with.  I’m not going into details, and she can say what she wants…but I’ve put up with a lot.  I’ve been a very patient and caring boyfriend to her over the last 16-17months we were together, I helped her with numerous issues she had, and for what?…for her to now be a better person for someone else?

Note the word “someone else”, that is still one thing that bothers me right now.  Even though she’s been doin whatever on all her recent nights out.  The fact is…I feel like I’m still getting screwed over.  She’s an attractive person, and most importantly to random night club dudes, she has bust.  She can easily draw attention in a club or wherever, and now she can have all the fun she wants.  I’m not being mean and saying she’s just a set of boobs, she’s not, at her best, and on the right side of her she’s a great person, with a lot to offer.

That’s not it entirely though.  I’m not bitter or upset to think of her with other people.  I’m upset because I now feel so alone.

I’m not some overly confident ‘playa’ type, I’m just a regular guy.  I don’t consider myself to have any unique physical attribute to pull attention my way on first sight like Laura can potentially do with her bust.  So I’m not getting to start these first conversations with new people, and potentially making a new friend/ having some fun, etc.

I suppose really I shouldn’t let this bother me, I should just hang out with friends, and just consider myself on a short vacation away from love/ girlfriends/ random fun/ etc.  :\  I don’t think I can let it out of my head though.  I want too, but aside from me meeting someone who is the next big thing in my life…I don’t know what I can do.

For now though…I’m really really wanting to just have Laura move out of here (she’s moving Dec 27th), then I will soon after be moving back in with my parents for a short while, and then after that the only communication for a short while after that will be in regards to sorting out whatever bills are left/ halfing whatever our agency give us back for deposit, etc.  Once all that is said and done.  I think my life will be better.  It has been so fucked up going through this whole “mutual break up” and having to stay living together, although we’re in seperate rooms, and rarely speak to each other, it’s still not properly apart.  It’s like that awkward kind of shit you might have to put up with when your parents aren’t speaking or whatever.  All I can say is that it is very difficult, and doesn’t help at all in terms of getting you through a break up, or getting properly on with your life.  It’s just been an uncomfortable and uneasy waiting room until you go to where your going next.

You know what else has made it harder though, even though I’m damn sure Laura is over me and ready for the next guy to come along, she keeps telling me she wants us to be friends, askin or giving me hugs, and last night she told me she still loved me (but she meant it in a “friend” kinda way).  I’m emotionally numb, yet I’m still heart broken over all this, and it’s just making things harder for me.  I can’t be her friend after this, I’m not saying I’m her enemy…I’m just saying I don’t want to be having meet ups with her, were we hang out and she can talk to me about her new boyfriend and all that jazz, and basically act like we’re longtime friends.  That isn’t in the question for me, and I think it’s absurd for her to think that this is ok.

I also don’t understand why she acts like I wanted this break up originally, here’s how it went.

• We were arguin much more than normal or what could be deemed as (natural in a relationship), and it was becoming as if we were room mates rather than in a relationship.
• One day after an argument I’d said something along the lines of “this isn’t working out, and you know it…we should break up, you’ll be better off without me”.
• She got upset…had her friends round basically every minute for the next 3 days, and rarely talked to me (this wasn’t the first time we’d had one of these break ups either), and during this time I was just keeping myself occupied, and just not thinking it through.
• We broke up on a Wednesday night, on Saturday morning we had a talk…she told me we were both being immature, needed to just give each other space for a couple of weeks, try and grow up, and then we can give it another go.  I agreed with this, smiled, and I thought “ok…so we’ll give it another shot”.
• That Saturday night she went out with friends (fine by me), however she didnt text me all night, and she didnt come home that night (I was at home half worried and half upset thinking she’d stayed over with some guy).
• Sunday she came home…we didn’t speak.  I wrote her a letter after she went to bed which was me basically asking her to be honest and let me know if anything happened that night she was out, and that if she has done something then I don’t think I can give it another go.
• The next morning she had replied to my letter, telling me that a few ppl stayed over at a friend from her works’ house.  She didnt answer the question about getting upto anything though.  She also told me in this letter that she had arranged to move in with her friend.  BOMBSHELL
• In the space of Saturday morning, to Monday morning.  Things went from “2-3 weeks off, then we’ll give it another shot” to “So I’m moving out…see ya”.
• After this I was then at my most upset, and everything from that point has already been covered in my previous blogs.

Anyway…back to where I was going before the bullet points.
Perhaps if things went smoother with the “mutual break up” there would be hope for a post-break up friendship, but no.  She started off by being a dick to me when we broke up, she’s been actively seeking some “single girl fun” and pretty much waving that fact in front of me (and then acting like she wasnt trying to hurt me with it), and basically she’s just been killing me inside recently.  So now I’m just done with her.  I don’t miss her (I’m over that), the person she is now isn’t the person I’m missing anyway.  I don’t love her (that feeling went away very recently), and I don’t have anymore “what ifs?” about anything to do with us.

I just want a new start, I’ve gained a lot of life experience about a number of things in the last year, and I just want to move on.  I’m sure Laura is the same, and I wish her all the best with her life, but me.  I’m going my own way.  I have my own life path, and Laura was just a building I stopped off at along the way, a building that was good, but not one I’m going back too.

—-*pauses blogging*—-

So yeah, back to today though.  I can’t believe it’s Christmas Eve.  I’m all alone in a house that was once a happy home.  I’ve been at work today (didn’t really have much to do though), and did the very last bit of christmas shopping (1 thing).  Since coming home, I basically came online, went to get a drink, then found myself tidying up a bunch of mess, which I can’t believe there is so much of…Laura has gone home for 2 days now, and I won’t see her till boxing day, then she moves out the day after that, and she has crap everywhere.

I’m pretty sure she’s thinking “I’ll just take whats mine, and run”, basically leaving me with all the house to tidy before I myself get to move out (even though I don’t really make much mess to begin with, and definitely won’t be doing so in the days leading to me moving out).  At least the tidying keeps me busy and not thinking “hey kevin…your home alone”, then I basically started this blog.

Soon I think I’ll do a couple of dumbell lifts (part of Kermit v2/ and the mention of my body insecurities in a previous blog), then I’ll go for a shower, then make me something to eat…
- still not eaten today so far (and it’s currently 5.32pm, and I was up early)…I’ve not even felt hungry…still don’t at this moment, though I’ve not had a proper eating schedule since the break up tbh-
…whilst I’m eating I’ll have to find myself something to watch (a film no doubt), then I have no idea how my night will pan out.  I could maybe watch a few movies I’ve been wanting to watch for a long time, possibly start watching Prison Break (which I’ve been wanting to get into for ages), maybe even complete, or go the distance in some video games I’ve been wanting to play through for a while.

All I know is that I wan’t to keep busy.  I’ve used “Depression” in the title but at this moment I’m not feeling depressed, and I’ve come to the terms with the fact I’m on my own, tomorrow though, I can get up, have a nice shower, and go see my family, give and receive gifts, eat a nice meal round at my nans, but no doubt there will be mentions of my recent turn of events and such :p, still the day will be a good one I hope.  Still though, it did dawn on me today whilst buying milk from morrisons, that I’ve definitely been through depression recently, I’ve had people telling me (before they knew about the break up) that I’d lost my smile, and personally I think any smiles I did give where probably fake, and obviously the whole ‘death is an option’ cry myself to sleep period, and the fact every letter I seem to get is one about an unpaid bill or a bill coming soon.

I hope tonight I can forget all my troubles, and just smile, remember the person who I was, be him, enjoy what I’m doing, and perhaps think about the great opportunities I have to better my life in 2009, and no doubt I’ll have a lot of great memories to be made next year too.

Anyone that has put up with this (currently over 2,250 words) blog, and read it through,  I love you.  Even if you’ve hated it… I love you .  I don’t feel like I accomplish much with my blogs other than a bit of personal therapy or just to get some thoughts or opinions out of me and in front of me.

I’m thankful to every page hit I get (except adbots/ and spam-advertising comments), I’m happy to know that some of you like my blogs, and most importantly to yourselves though.  I wish you a very merry christmas.

Seriously, cherish the day.  Be the best person you can be, and smile about what you’ve got, don’t worry about what you’ve not got (09 is a great place to correct last years falls).

Thanks for reading.  Also just an added note for some of my Facebook’ers, this blog comes from http://www.kusohappens.com/blog/ (I don’t use facebook to blog…facebook just pulls them off here when it notices I’ve done a new one).

One last thing before I go is a little clip filmed today after I picked up my lil bro to bring him into work for a bit.

–just incase it doesn’t the embed doesn’t work on facebook – the link is http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=X64NSFhVcDQ
Adios Amigo’s
Love Kermit x

–

Kermit is currently / recently:

Watching:

Current mood: Not so bad, just keepin busy.

• Almost Round 3 (Skateboard video, a sweet one too)
• WWE Raw
• Big Stan (a random Rob Schneider film, watchable but about a 5.5/10)
• Journey: Escape Tour Live (1981) – DVD of one of there tours, amazing if your a fan.

Playing:

• Guitar Hero 3 (360)
• Pinball FX (XBLA)
• Tetris (GB)

A little YouTube video I decided I’d film last night.  I’m not sober in it, and the song came on random like a minute before the video and I just decided seeing as I was home alone, I’d have a sing along.  This song speaks to me right now, it’s for the start part what I’ve been going through.

Yes, I know…I’m so lame :p

I should be singing along to christmas songs this time of year, I feel like I’ve had a year off from christmas this year, and I didn’t want to ever have a year off from christmas

Yo yo yo yo…pop a forty, and check your rolies.

…seriously though.  Blog time.

So, the clock’s telling me it’s 2:25 in the mornin right now.  I’ve been riding a week based on petty 5 hour sleeps, it had majorly caught up to me tonight, but I hulked up, put my headphones on…and my iPod has basically fuel’d me to stay up.  You can’t beat those nights where you just get lost in music.

Anyway, like I said, it’s late, and if I was to take off my headphones and come back down to the real world…I’d probably be on the verge of passing out from uber tiredom-ness (new word bonus!).

I got a call on my mobile from the electrician guy who came the other day to say the part came today and that him and a plumber will be round between 9.30am – 10.30am to get all surgical like on our boiler.  No more ghetto showers!  Yay (although they were sort of fun :\).  I’ll have to be up early to be ready to let them in and stuff.  At least I’ll be more motivated to just jump up and start the day.  Usually my day starts off with a “oh shit! i snoozed too much”, then a breakfast-less dash to work.  I can get up and enjoy some Frosted Shreddies or Crunchy Nut Clusters, and let 2 men hang out in my bathroom “doing there business”.

Next on the ‘to mention’ list.  Remember in my last blog…, or remember on facebook… or maybe you don’t remember… BUT! I said I was gonna get my lip pierced.  Monkey say monkey do!

Pierced see.

I got it done on Tuesday, unfortunately I couldn’t get a pic or vid of the event as my friend Mossy wasn’t willing to get the camera out in there.  I’m loving having it pierced again, it’s nice to see myself in the mirror and have it just hanging out on my face, like a loveable sidekick.  My mama or papa didn’t mention it today, although they probably thought it was still pierced from the last time maybe, or maybe I’m just not much of a suprise to them anymore?

My mum asked what I want for christmas yesterday too.  I said “well I either just want cash to build a new skateboard”- *interruption* “skateboard…what you want another one of them for?”, lol, she kinda implied it was a kids toy or something.  Then I continued with “or I want the new Guitar Hero game for XBOX, but the full band set up…” and as I was explaining what I meant she was like noting down “new guitar hero on xbox…”, so I think It’s safe to say I’m gonna be funding my skateboard with other money, hehe.

Still though, it’s a win either way.  Weather limits the ammount of time I could skate this time of year anyway.

One other thing I mentioned in my last blog.  Scooter the Robot.  Well…apparently he was somehow “found” and he was going to be thrown in the bin, until my dad or someone upstairs (were I work) was like “no!…we’ll eBay it”.

Scooter. The raddest 80's robot of all time!

So!  As soon as someone gets him some batteries, and we can test it…if he’s working, he’ll be up for sale!  If he doesnt sell, or doesnt work…maybe I should maybe keep him, get some sort of use out of other use out of him?

Things haven’t been too bad with Laura over the past couple of days (couple meaning 2) which has been better.  It will be better once we’ve both moved out and I’m not reminded of it all, but at least these last bunch of days here at our place are going relatively smooth.  Still though, I’ve trained myself to use Lauras tactics to get over it all though, which is basically to just focus on the bad in our relationship, and I’ve been talkin with friends about there relationships and stuff and just chatting with people about the good and bads of relationships and stuff, it’s made things a lot more easier to digest.  We all go through hard times, it’s part of life.  I’m just glad I got through it all without doing an Owen Wilson (attempted suicide over break-up), cause suicide seemed like a sane idea once or twice in those first hard days I faced.  It’s not just the Laura problem though, it was money problems, and just feeling like a failure in life n stuff…really had me crushed.  I’m good now though…I’ve repaired well.  Once again, thanks to friends (much much love to you).  It’s sad that the Kermit & Laura saga is over in my life…but it’s just 1 chapter of whatever my story is, I’m also sad to be moving out of our place here.  I really have grown attached to it somewhat.  I keep realising little perks to living here, or just noticing little things.

For instance, when we first moved in…we must’ve had a spider sighting like once every 2 days, but now that I think about it…we’ve only maybe had like 1 or 2 a month (and they’ve only been tiny ones) in recent times. Speaking of spiders though…I remember one time me and my mate Mossy where hella drunk (and stuff), and he spotted a huge spider in our house (this was a while back), we were both freaked out by it…so I ran and got some anti-perspirant, and the plan was he sprays it with antiperspirant, then when it slows down I catch it.  Things didn’t go quite to plan, half a can (and we’re talking big right guard cans) of anti-perspirant was used but it was a fun moment.  Eventually the (by this point it looked like it had been frosted) spider was caught and evicted, and our heart races went back to normal.  Fun times.

Anyway.  I feel like I’m losing direction now, plus it’s 3:25am, and I’m f-ken tired.
Till the next one…Adios.

Kermit is currently/ recently:

Listening to:

Current Mood: Chilled, but uber tired.

• My iPod, which is too hard to list.  However, I’ve mostly been skipping newer songs and sticking to old school rock hits, old school reggae, movie soundtrack songs, Fairytale of New York has had it’s fair share of plays too over the past couple of days.

Watching:

• WWE Armageddon (loved the main event).

…and that’s it, not really done much since the last blog.  Just browsing the internet and listening to music mostly.