AUG 23rd // NEGATIVE // – Depression round 2/ Parents/ Uni…
http://kusohappens.com/blog/?p=679
It’s been over a week and a half since I’ve done anything I’d personally deem a “proper blog”. Not that I’d say I’m a proper blogger or anything, I’m just a guy…who can occasionally spill out MASSIVE WALLS OF TEXT. Mostly for my own benefit, getting thoughts on paper (or typing text onto the internets…same thing these days).
Anyway, simple title for this, and expect an as simple title for the next one. I would’ve rounded up both into 1 MASSIVE blog, but putting a bit of consideration in to the fact that some of you hypothetical blog readers of mine out there reading this might have problems of your own and don’t want to be mislead into reading about someone else’s then THIS PARAGRAPH HAS SERVED AS YOUR WARNING! …k
Ok, so…enough with the talk about how I’m going to be blogging about problems, and time to actually start enlightening y’all into ‘said’ information, eeek! Well…it would be eeek! but I have managed to acquire the ‘skill’ to just write shit down and not look back or have to censor myself much. So many people would benefit from being just that little bit more open about there lives I think.
Right, well problem number 1…which is certainly the Main Course of my epic meal of life downers is my homelife. If you’re a follower of my blogs, then pretty much the theme tune (if i had one) of my 2009 blogs has been my parents. I know many a friends of mine, and just people I know that have problems with there parents, or just don’t really get along with them, but seriously…somehow I’m beyond that. I’m basically made to feel like an unwanted guest in this place I’m supposed to refer to as home. My parents don’t talk to me, for a long time they’ve acted disappointed in me, and in fact at times I feel as though my dad is looking at me with despise. You’d think that I’ve done something super wrong to achieve such parental hate, but to my knowledge I haven’t. I haven’t stolen from them, I’ve never had the police come round over a crime I’ve committed, and other than taking me back in after me and my ex split late last year, they’ve not bailed me out of any problems.
I don’t try to bridge the gaps with me and my parents because it’d be WAY too awkward to try and conversate with them about this for one, and secondly, I don’t want too. If you had someone who made you feel so bad about yourself and couldn’t put your finger on why, or bestowed a feeling of awkward-ness on you whenever you was in the same room as them, then clearly you would do your best to avoid them, right? Well to me that’s right, and that’s what I do.
I kind of feel like a rodent problem to this house, like if either of my parents are in the kitchen and I want to get a drink, or put something in the washing machine, or make some food. I’ll go back to my room and wait for it to be clear. Part of the reason I do this is because confrontation with my parents could actually lead to them saying something to me (which you’d think would be good maybe…) but whenever they DO actually talk to me, it’s usually to criticise something or just be petty about something, as if they get some sort of fulfillment out of saying something negative towards me.
Earlier this year I got to a point where I felt like pretty much everything around me had fallen or was falling to pieces, I had 2 packs of paracetamol in my room, and i knew there was a lot more household meds in the cupboard, I was under the impression if I was too just put a lot of these inside me, chase it down with some mind numbing alcohol and then just go asleep…that I could just peacefully escape what was at that time a very dark world for me. The curious nerd inside me decided to do a little bit of research before hand, and so I looked up overdosing on legal meds, and I was VERY wrong in thinking that I was escaping in peace. OD’ing on things like that apparently does A LOT of damage to your organs, and it is said to be a very very painful death. I was in enough pain just living at that time, worrying about everything, feeling like it had all gone downhill and never again pick up. Sure it’s a stupid thing to think, but a lot had gone wrong for me at that point, I’d recently lost a job, debts where mounting, a long term (16month) relationship ended, I had to move out of my old place (which I loved), and I had to move back home with my parents whom weren’t nice people to live with before I moved out (they’ve been worse this year though). So life was very grey, I’d brave a cheery face throughout the day, and be regular old me around friends etc, but when at home, in my room at night, and all the negativity in my life loomed over me, I just felt like I was running out of air, sleeping was hard, mainly because I just couldn’t stop thinking about how bad things were, I went through a period where most nights would end after I’d cried enough to the point of being exhausted and could then sleep.
The night I read up about OD’ing is the night I was ready to go out. Only curiousity saved me, and I suppose the internet for providing the info. I think it was either that same night, or the day after…I spoke about it on forums, I asked questions on Yahoo Answers, and I think I tipped off a friend or 2 about the fact I needed help. So I saw a doctor, not my usual one…just the first one that could see me. I told him my story, and how I was feeling, and I nearly started crying whilst doing this, simply because I was going over all the details of why I wanted to escape living, and up until that point I hadn’t really vocally told anyone. I wasn’t expecting to get the help I needed from the doctor as I never put my expectations too high when looking for help, but he listened, he was compassionate, he talked to me about things, put me on Anti-depressants, gave me a list of phone numbers I could speak to people on, and said he’d try and get me a therapy session scheduled. I definitely feel the anti-depressants eventually helped me, it took about 2-3 weeks or so for them to start working, but once they were, I felt like I couldn’t be brought down anywhere near as bad as I used too. Plus in this time I’d been a bit more open to people about it all, I didn’t ask for shoulders to cry on, but certain friends had my back, and that was nice. The therapy session didn’t come up, and I didn’t chase for it either…but as time passed I really improved so I didn’t feel as though it was needed, as I was starting to think more positively again. I got my university application in, and that gave me something to look forward too in a time when I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore.
Now…in this whole depression/ suicidal phase I went through, I didn’t tell my parents any of this, I could sort of picture what it’d go like if I told them, and in my head it played out that if I told them, they’d basically just think I was making it up, or trying to seek attention or something. They’re not the kind of people that I’d look to for help, and I try to ask for help from them as little as possible as I don’t want to give them anymore reasons (on top of whatever they claim to have already) to look down on me. So say I needed £20 to get me by for the week till Friday, I’d mostly turn to friends to see if they could help before I’d turn to them.
Anyway, I took my anti-depressants from whenever I began (sometime in mid/ late Jan I think) up until about June. I was meant to keep taking them until I felt like I didn’t need them anymore (BUT!), then after that point I was meant to take them for a further 6 months just to certify I was ok. As apparently people who go through depression and come off the pills tend to relapse soon after “they think” they’re better. Well…it’s safe to say “they told me so”, as recently I feel as though I’ve definitely fell back into depression. I don’t think it’s as bad as it was originally, but that’s not exactly something to give credit too. That’d be like saying “someone set a bomb off killing 200 people…but it’s not as bad as 9/11 so it’s ok”. I’ve had a dream that’s popped into my head a couple of times over say the last month or so (not quite sure when it first began), in fact I’m not quite sure I’d call it a dream, but basically I got a message in my head whilst asleep that basically told me to overdose on sleeping meds (sort of like how Heath Ledger died, although I’m sure his was (hopefully) accidental, R.I.P Heath), but it does seem to make more sense too me in a sort of home-euthanasia sense.
Now…the question to me is, I’m not sure why that sort of thing started coming into my mind, because i didn’t really feel TOO down at the time, I mean, life isn’t perfect right now…so I have to figure that this is the sort of relapse the doctors said could happen after going through depression once already, and if truth be told I do have a few things that have been a worry to me.
I have debts of about £2,500 across a number of companies which I need to take care, which I think I might have to consolidate with someone and then do a monthly repayment thing (paying back more than what I owe simply to have it all taken care of under 1 company, but still that is a million times more convenient than any other option).
Another thing that’s haunted me at night is the possibility that my uni loans will fall through (due to my current bad credit rating), if I can’t get a loan to pay my fee’s then I can’t start Uni, which has been something I’ve been very much looking forward to finally starting, and finally getting some sort of direction in my life figured out. Second to that is my University maintenance loan, as I REALLY REALLY would benefit by moving out of “home” and away from my parents, so I could definitely do with that coming through for me also. I suppose if i don’t get my maintenance loan it’s not too bad as I’ll still be able to live at “home” and go to university at least, and hopefully find somewhere cheap enough to live at on a part time-ish work wage.
Another bit of recent confusion (or gossip to you readers) is that over the past couple of months or so I sort of met a girl, whom at random I became “more than friends” with, it didn’t get serious…although personally I don’t know if I’m ready for anything serious again yet, and so it just stayed somewhat casual, and to a level where we didn’t have to question what our “status” was. Those kind of things never stay as simple as you’d like though. It has been fun, and I’ve made a cool new friend there nontheless, but talks were done recently to pump the brakes on that though, as it was getting a little confusing and was potentially getting serious, which was sort of bad as it would more than likely end up with us both being hurt. If it did get serious it wouldn’t be too soon that it would end up being a long distance relationship later down the line (as she may well be moving), and I just don’t believe long distance relationships can work. So to invest time into developing that, growing closer, and getting serious, only for it to possibly come to an unhappy ending, that sort of thing ate at me, and I don’t want to hurt a friend, nor do I want to set myself up for another heart break (I know that can happen anytime, but when theres a sign so early on as a warning, I can’t ignore that unfortunately).
Last but not least though, I can’t not give my parents credit for bringing me down, like I started this blog with…they just look down on me, I have ambition for my life, and university is the stepping stone for me, it’s something I’m going to personally take great pride in, but they’ve not really given a damn about what I do in ages, so until I’ve gone away, I guess they won’t be happy with anything regarding me or my life. Then there’s the fact I work with my dad, and he’s generally a dick to me a lot there, sometimes it’s fair enough if I’m late or something, but I’ve never received any praise from him since i started there, only criticism, and sometimes he’s having a go at me over a presumption he’s had that has turned out to be false, and I never get an apology for when he has a go at me without reason.
Now, I still have some anti-deppressants left from when I just stopped taking them, so I’ll start with them, and make an appointment with the docs to get some more, give them an update etc too. Also, to save some from “googling” anti-depressants are basically pills that help control the way your brain produces certain things, once in depression your brain basically stops producing a certain thing that generally keeps you positive, normally people will keep this all in good balance, but people with depression basically produce little to no positive, and thus they get down so easily. Apparently autopsies on people that have committed suicide show the people who have killed themselves to basically just be overwhelmed with whatever this negative stuff in the brain is. I’m probably explaining this in the worst dumbed down way possible, so maybe you should actually google it if you want, but it’s a proven medical study, and I can certainly vouch for anti-depressants helping me previously, and I know of some others I’ve spoke to that have taken them have said the same things.
Like I said, they did the trick last time, so I can’t see why they won’t be able to help me again. Maybe once I’m spending less time worrying and being down about things, I can spend more time focusing on other things, and making better decisions for myself and being more organised. So thanks to my past experience with knowing that I can overcome depression with help, I’m just going to have to ride this out and see what comes of it.
Anti-depressants will be my crutch through this, and then I guess I’m just going to have to see what comes of my loans, if I do go to uni and get a maintenance loan, then AWESOME! I can move out, and that will immediately make my day to day life more positive to be away from the 2 people who cause the most harm to my spirit. If I don’t get my maintenance loan then I maybe need to work on my debts first, then once that’s done I’ll look at moving out somewhere I can afford too.
If all of my uni loans fall through, then I definitely will need to hit my debts up as a priority to sort my credit rating out, then after that it’ll be a case of looking into moving out with a friend maybe, and re-applying for uni for 2010. In every scenario the key solution to making things in life better for me is to move away from my parents, and get on with my life, and put them behind me.
Anyway, this has been quite a hard blog to put down to be honest, I think I started it about 11pm, and now it’s near 1am. It’s definitely one of my longest blogs ever, and I applaud any of you hypothetical readers of mine that stuck through it, even though it was just a wall of text and not loaded with pictures and such. One thing I would definitely like to touch on though before I save and publish this blog o’mine… Even though I’ve spoke of suicidal tendencies, depression, and just general misery in life and such. I would hate for any of my friends reading this to come away from this blog and thinking of me as broken, or that you have to treat me different because of the nature of this. You don’t. When I’m hanging out, clubbing, etc that’s when I’m happy and I’m getting to live the part of my life that keeps me going, I fight the hard times at home and in my head by partying hard! and having good times with you good people. When you see me having a good time, I’m having a good time, so thanks for being there for that I guess :p, heh. I’m not on edge and I’m not a minefield, you don’t need to tiptoe around me, this whole blog is simply covering the way my mind works at the end of the day, the way it goes dark when I’m home on my own and thinking about life and the negatives within it.
Anyway, like i said…a normal WAY MORE POSITIVE blog should be up by say…Tuesday, just covering recent nights out, and random stuff. Till then
Adios Amigo’s
Kermit
). Student Finance England’s inadequacies are pretty much a CD single I seem to of had on repeat since I started university though :/. I’ve said it before…I’m sure the company is just full of heartless robots doing as they please. I even made this image last year to put a visual to my words…
