Kermit's Blog

December 16th.  9 days till Christmas, I’m hoping some people are ‘balls deep’ in the Christmas spirit right now.  I’d like to be able to say the same but I’ve only done 1 christmassy thing so far and that was watching “Elf” on Monday night (to lift spirits after watching a not so festive/ happy documentary on the whole Jamie Bulger thing).  It’s not that I’m scroogey, I love christmas, I love that it brings people together, and sometimes those with bad personality traits will add a silencer to there douche-ness and be less selfish and more positive.

Christmas is great.  Now…my reasons for not being as into Christmas as I’d like to be is simply because a) I’m super DOOPER broke, I STILL haven’t had my Student Loans, and I’ve been scraping by in terms of living and missing out on social outings for pretty much the past 3/4 months,  it’s beyond a joke.  So as with the lack of monies, I’ve not been able to so far by a single christmas present.  The priority people I have to buy for is my sis and my 2 lil bro’s, as they deserve presents from me, my parents would normally be higher up on my priority list but this year I’ve just pretty much lost all care for them to be honest.  The only thing I have them to be thankful for really is the fact they haven’t kicked me out of the small little room I inhabit in there house.  That isn’t too say they don’t make things painfully unbearable though, my dads the main offender, I generally stay in my room 99% of the time I’m at home, and if I need something from the kitchen and see him in there, I’ll just go back to my room and wait it out…why?…because it seems like pretty much every time I get near him, he’ll have something negative to say to me, and I’m pretty sure he gets off on being a dick to me, and my evidence for that is the fact of how petty he can be in terms of what he’ll find to have a go at me for…for example, the other day he got all mouthy about me washing my hands in the sink that had some cup in it that was my lil bro’s, had a big go at me for washing my hands there (which weren’t dirty…i simply washed them because I was prepping some food and it was hygenic too), first off the water off my hands was going down the side of the bowl…so even if my hands ‘were’ dirty, the water wasn’t going to go into this bowl of ‘fairy liquid’-ified water that this lil cup was in, and 2ndly had I gone through the trouble of moving the bowl out of the sink, he would’ve definitely had a go at me for doing that cause of the mess that would’ve made around the kitchen side.  He’s just a complete dick.  Now…next up is my mum, I don’t have as much of a problem with her as I do for my dad, but since I moved back in with my parents (in Jan 09), things have gone mucho’s down hill between me and my mum, and I’m not quite sure where it stems from.  Now…me and my mum have never really been close, my mum just has never been that talkative with me, however she used to at least from time to time check up on how I was doing and do the occasional petty motherly love thing of like offer me a cup of tea, or something small like that, but this year all that kind of thing has stopped, I don’t mind that soo much, but it kind of sucks of how she has just stopped asking how I’m doing every once in a while…I don’t think she’s asked me anything of that nature since about March/ April this year, I started university in September (which is pretty much a big deal to me), and I’ve been busy with that for 3/4 months and now I’m on my christmas break.  Yet with the build up to university, and all the time I’ve been at university, she hasn’t asked me once how I’m doing, which kind of sucks…  Don’t get me started on my dad though, he stopped giving a shit about what was going on along long time ago, I don’t think hes ever been interested in how I did at school, and all he cares about is that I’m not just at home on benefits.  My Nan and Grandad whom I’ve seen every so often (maybe once a month) always ask how I’m doing and how uni is going, and although it’s only usually a 1 minute conversation, it’s just nice to know someone gives a damn, ya know?  I’m quite an independent person though, so I don’t need that kind of fussing over, but still your parents are pretty much supposed to do the occasional parenty things, were as all I get is criticism and an awkward feeling of resentment from them, and it’s those sort of awkward silences and that sense of “I can tell you don’t want me here” that come from something mundane as me being in the kitchen making a cup of tea and then one of my parents coming in to get something etc that really do put a grey cloud over me the whole time that I’m at home.

Thus the reason I spend 99% of my time in my room, and thus the reason why I have surrounded myself with dvd’s, tv shows, video games, and alsorts of distractions to keep me occupied and entertained in a place that I don’t want to be in ….I just want my loans to come through then hopefully I will have enough (if I’m given enough) to move into some Student accommodation and just get the fuck away from these 2 people that have stopped caring where my life goes and just want to hate on me all the time.  Last year I hadn’t really seen my parents much for the year cause I moved out, so last christmas wasn’t as bad in terms of family meetings because I hadn’t been around in a while, so they didn’t really have anything to criticise me over, plus the fact that I only came to see them on christmas day and that was just to go eat at my Nan and Grandads…so there was enough christmas day distraction to keep either of them from being an ass to me.  This year though, like I said…it’s been a year of downhill-ness, I never have any conversation with my parents, and it’s just awkward to be around them because of the time that keeps passing etc.  The last time I spoke to my dad was the time he was a prick to me the other week regarding the sink thing, and the last time I spoke to my mum was on Monday when she told me she needed to go in my room to use the boiler, but before that the last time she spoke to me wasn’t for like 2 weeks, and that was to have a go at me for my other lil debt problems (which I’d love to be able to fix…yet obviously she thinks that her giving me a hard time for it will magically make some money appear for me to pay off said debts).

It’s just so fucked up and shitty living at home with my parents, and I really would rather just get out as soon as possible, and hopefully never ever have to move back home again, and to more of an extreme…even see them again, as they’ve done enough damage to whatever relationship we could claim to have this year and when I think of them I can only think of 2 people that just make me feel bad, that’s it.

Anywho…back to the lack of monies due to no student loans…I haven’t been able to buy a present, or go for catch up festive drinks with a load of my friends whom I havent seen for a while, or stroll around shops and be ambushed with the sight of christmassy decorations and music etc.  I’ve just pretty much been at home most of the time with no money to do anything…and as my room has no decorations in my room (unless the fact theres a picture from a christmas episode of South Park on my South Park calendar this month counts), and I haven’t been to anywhere were there is festivities going on.  Christmas has pretty much just been a myth to me :\ …which is kind of how it was last year due to the fact last December I came out of a 16 month relationship, and the break up interferred with getting any sort of christmas decorations for our old place etc.  Still, I can take positive from the fact that I can do a nice 5 second sigh and ponder about how christmas can only get better next year…

and on that note…I end this blog…

I’ve kind of fell out of my blogging loop for the past month (although I’ve done a couple of lil bits for youtube), but I definitely expect to pick up the pace now…what with 4 weeks off uni to play with …so expect some “Top 2009 lists” coming soon, as well as some blogs on stuff more positive than this one.  I’ll also be updating a few bugs and possibly adding a few new features to the blog soon too.

Adios Amigo’s

Kermit x

Peace

AUG 23rd // NEGATIVE // – Depression round 2/ Parents/ Uni…

http://kusohappens.com/blog/?p=679

It’s been over a week and a half since I’ve done anything I’d personally deem a “proper blog”.  Not that I’d say I’m a proper blogger or anything, I’m just a guy…who can occasionally spill out MASSIVE WALLS OF TEXT.  Mostly for my own benefit, getting thoughts on paper (or typing text onto the internets…same thing these days).

Anyway, simple title for this, and expect an as simple title for the next one.  I would’ve rounded up both into 1 MASSIVE blog, but putting a bit of consideration in to the fact that some of you hypothetical blog readers of mine out there reading this might have problems of your own and don’t want to be mislead into reading about someone else’s then THIS PARAGRAPH HAS SERVED AS YOUR WARNING!  …k

Ok, so…enough with the talk about how I’m going to be blogging about problems, and time to actually start enlightening y’all into ‘said’ information, eeek!  Well…it would be eeek! but I have managed to acquire the ‘skill’ to just write shit down and not look back or have to censor myself much.  So many people would benefit from being just that little bit more open about there lives I think.

Right, well problem number 1…which is certainly the Main Course of my epic meal of life downers is my homelife.  If you’re a follower of my blogs, then pretty much the theme tune (if i had one) of my 2009 blogs has been my parents.  I know many a friends of mine, and just people I know that have problems with there parents, or just don’t really get along with them, but seriously…somehow I’m beyond that.  I’m basically made to feel like an unwanted guest in this place I’m supposed to refer to as home.  My parents don’t talk to me, for a long time they’ve acted disappointed in me, and in fact at times I feel as though my dad is looking at me with despise.  You’d think that I’ve done something super wrong to achieve such parental hate, but to my knowledge I haven’t.  I haven’t stolen from them, I’ve never had the police come round over a crime I’ve committed, and other than taking me back in after me and my ex split late last year, they’ve not bailed me out of any problems.
I don’t try to bridge the gaps with me and my parents because it’d be WAY too awkward to try and conversate with them about this for one, and secondly, I don’t want too.  If you had someone who made you feel so bad about yourself and couldn’t put your finger on why, or bestowed a feeling of awkward-ness on you whenever you was in the same room as them, then clearly you would do your best to avoid them, right?  Well to me that’s right, and that’s what I do.
I kind of feel like a rodent problem to this house, like if either of my parents are in the kitchen and I want to get a drink, or put something in the washing machine, or make some food.  I’ll go back to my room and wait for it to be clear.  Part of the reason I do this is because confrontation with my parents could actually lead to them saying something to me (which you’d think would be good maybe…) but whenever they DO actually talk to me, it’s usually to criticise something or just be petty about something, as if they get some sort of fulfillment out of saying something negative towards me.

Earlier this year I got to a point where I felt like pretty much everything around me had fallen or was falling to pieces, I had 2 packs of paracetamol in my room, and i knew there was a lot more household meds in the cupboard, I was under the impression if I was too just put a lot of these inside me, chase it down with some mind numbing alcohol and then just go asleep…that I could just peacefully escape what was at that time a very dark world for me.  The curious nerd inside me decided to do a little bit of research before hand, and so I looked up overdosing on legal meds, and I was VERY wrong in thinking that I was escaping in peace.  OD’ing on things like that apparently does A LOT of damage to your organs, and it is said to be a very very painful death.  I was in enough pain just living at that time, worrying about everything, feeling like it had all gone downhill and never again pick up.  Sure it’s a stupid thing to think, but a lot had gone wrong for me at that point, I’d recently lost a job, debts where mounting, a long term (16month) relationship ended, I had to move out of my old place (which I loved), and I had to move back home with my parents whom weren’t nice people to live with before I moved out (they’ve been worse this year though).  So life was very grey, I’d brave a cheery face throughout the day, and be regular old me around friends etc, but when at home, in my room at night, and all the negativity in my life loomed over me, I just felt like I was running out of air, sleeping was hard, mainly because I just couldn’t stop thinking about how bad things were, I went through a period where most nights would end after I’d cried enough to the point of being exhausted and could then sleep.

The night I read up about OD’ing is the night I was ready to go out.  Only curiousity saved me, and I suppose the internet for providing the info.  I think it was either that same night, or the day after…I spoke about it on forums, I asked questions on Yahoo Answers, and I think I tipped off a friend or 2 about the fact I needed help.  So I saw a doctor, not my usual one…just the first one that could see me.  I told him my story, and how I was feeling, and I nearly started crying whilst doing this, simply because I was going over all the details of why I wanted to escape living, and up until that point I hadn’t really vocally told anyone.  I wasn’t expecting to get the help I needed from the doctor as I never put my expectations too high when looking for help, but he listened, he was compassionate, he talked to me about things, put me on Anti-depressants, gave me a list of phone numbers I could speak to people on, and said he’d try and get me a therapy session scheduled.  I definitely feel the anti-depressants eventually helped me, it took about 2-3 weeks or so for them to start working, but once they were, I felt like I couldn’t be brought down anywhere near as bad as I used too.  Plus in this time I’d been a bit more open to people about it all, I didn’t ask for shoulders to cry on, but certain friends had my back, and that was nice.  The therapy session didn’t come up, and I didn’t chase for it either…but as time passed I really improved so I didn’t feel as though it was needed, as I was starting to think more positively again.  I got my university application in, and that gave me something to look forward too in a time when I felt like I had nothing to live for anymore.

Now…in this whole depression/ suicidal phase I went through, I didn’t tell my parents any of this, I could sort of picture what it’d go like if I told them, and in my head it played out that if I told them, they’d basically just think I was making it up, or trying to seek attention or something.  They’re not the kind of people that I’d look to for help, and I try to ask for help from them as little as possible as I don’t want to give them anymore reasons (on top of whatever they claim to have already) to look down on me.  So say I needed £20 to get me by for the week till Friday, I’d mostly turn to friends to see if they could help before I’d turn to them.

Anyway, I took my anti-depressants from whenever I began (sometime in mid/ late Jan I think) up until about June.  I was meant to keep taking them until I felt like I didn’t need them anymore (BUT!), then after that point I was meant to take them for a further 6 months just to certify I was ok.  As apparently people who go through depression and come off the pills tend to relapse soon after “they think” they’re better.  Well…it’s safe to say “they told me so”, as recently I feel as though I’ve definitely fell back into depression.  I don’t think it’s as bad as it was originally, but that’s not exactly something to give credit too.  That’d be like saying “someone set a bomb off killing 200 people…but it’s not as bad as 9/11 so it’s ok”.  I’ve had a dream that’s popped into my head a couple of times over say the last month or so (not quite sure when it first began), in fact I’m not quite sure I’d call it a dream, but basically I got a message in my head whilst asleep that basically told me to overdose on sleeping meds (sort of like how Heath Ledger died, although I’m sure his was (hopefully) accidental, R.I.P Heath), but it does seem to make more sense too me in a sort of home-euthanasia sense.

Now…the question to me is, I’m not sure why that sort of thing started coming into my mind, because i didn’t really feel TOO down at the time, I mean, life isn’t perfect right now…so I have to figure that this is the sort of relapse the doctors said could happen after going through depression once already, and if truth be told I do have a few things that have been a worry to me.

I have debts of about £2,500 across a number of companies which I need to take care, which I think I might have to consolidate with someone and then do a monthly repayment thing (paying back more than what I owe simply to have it all taken care of under 1 company, but still that is a million times more convenient than any other option).
Another thing that’s haunted me at night is the possibility that my uni loans will fall through (due to my current bad credit rating), if I can’t get a loan to pay my fee’s then I can’t start Uni, which has been something I’ve been very much looking forward to finally starting, and finally getting some sort of direction in my life figured out.  Second to that is my University maintenance loan, as I REALLY REALLY would benefit by moving out of “home” and away from my parents, so I could definitely do with that coming through for me also.  I suppose if i don’t get my maintenance loan it’s not too bad as I’ll still be able to live at “home” and go to university at least, and hopefully find somewhere cheap enough to live at on a part time-ish work wage.

Another bit of recent confusion (or gossip to you readers) is that over the past couple of months or so I sort of met a girl, whom at random I became “more than friends” with, it didn’t get serious…although personally I don’t know if I’m ready for anything serious again yet, and so it just stayed somewhat casual, and to a level where we didn’t have to question what our “status” was.  Those kind of things never stay as simple as you’d like though.  It has been fun, and I’ve made a cool new friend there nontheless, but  talks were done recently to pump the brakes on that though, as it was getting a little confusing and was potentially getting serious, which was sort of bad as it would more than likely end up with us both being hurt.  If it did get serious it wouldn’t be too soon that it would end up being a long distance relationship later down the line (as she may well be moving), and I just don’t believe long distance relationships can work.  So to invest time into developing that, growing closer, and getting serious, only for it to possibly come to an unhappy ending, that sort of thing ate at me, and I don’t want to hurt a friend, nor do I want to set myself up for another heart break (I know that can happen anytime, but when theres a sign so early on as a warning, I can’t ignore that unfortunately).

Last but not least though, I can’t not give my parents credit for bringing me down, like I started this blog with…they just look down on me, I have ambition for my life, and university is the stepping stone for me, it’s something I’m going to personally take great pride in, but they’ve not really given a damn about what I do in ages, so until I’ve gone away, I guess they won’t be happy with anything regarding me or my life.  Then there’s the fact I work with my dad, and he’s generally a dick to me a lot there, sometimes it’s fair enough if I’m late or something, but I’ve never received any praise from him since i started there, only criticism, and sometimes he’s having a go at me over a presumption he’s had that has turned out to be false, and I never get an apology for when he has a go at me without reason.

Now,  I still have some anti-deppressants left from when I just stopped taking them, so I’ll start with them, and make an appointment with the docs to get some more, give them an update etc too.  Also, to save some from “googling” anti-depressants are basically pills that help control the way your brain produces certain things, once in depression your brain basically stops producing a certain thing that generally keeps you positive, normally people will keep this all in good balance, but people with depression basically produce little to no positive, and thus they get down so easily.  Apparently autopsies on people that have committed suicide show the people who have killed themselves to basically just be overwhelmed with whatever this negative stuff in the brain is.  I’m probably explaining this in the worst dumbed down way possible, so maybe you should actually google it if you want, but it’s a proven medical study, and I can certainly vouch for anti-depressants helping me previously, and I know of some others I’ve spoke to that have taken them have said the same things.

Like I said, they did the trick last time, so I can’t see why they won’t be able to help me again.  Maybe once I’m spending less time worrying and being down about things, I can spend more time focusing on other things, and making better decisions for myself and being more organised.  So thanks to my past experience with knowing that I can overcome depression with help, I’m just going to have to ride this out and see what comes of it.
Anti-depressants will be my crutch through this, and then I guess I’m just going to have to see what comes of my loans, if I do go to uni and get a maintenance loan, then AWESOME!  I can move out, and that will immediately make my day to day life more positive to be away from the 2 people who cause the most harm to my spirit.  If I don’t get my maintenance loan then I maybe need to work on my debts first, then once that’s done I’ll look at moving out somewhere I can afford too.
If all of my uni loans fall through, then I definitely will need to hit my debts up as a priority to sort my credit rating out, then after that it’ll be a case of looking into moving out with a friend maybe, and re-applying for uni for 2010.  In every scenario the key solution to making things in life better for me is to move away from my parents, and get on with my life, and put them behind me.

Anyway, this has been quite a hard blog to put down to be honest, I think I started it about 11pm, and now it’s near 1am.  It’s definitely one of my longest blogs ever, and I applaud any of you hypothetical readers of mine that stuck through it, even though it was just a wall of text and not loaded with pictures and such.  One thing I would definitely like to touch on though before I save and publish this blog o’mine…  Even though I’ve spoke of suicidal tendencies, depression, and just general misery in life and such.  I would hate for any of my friends reading this to come away from this blog and thinking of me as broken, or that you have to treat me different because of the nature of this.  You don’t.  When I’m hanging out, clubbing, etc that’s when I’m happy and I’m getting to live the part of my life that keeps me going, I fight the hard times at home and in my head by partying hard! and having good times with you good people.  When you see me having a good time, I’m having a good time, so thanks for being there for that I guess :p, heh.  I’m not on edge and I’m not a minefield, you don’t need to tiptoe around me, this whole blog is simply covering the way my mind works at the end of the day, the way it goes dark when I’m home on my own and thinking about life and the negatives within it.

Anyway, like i said…a normal WAY MORE POSITIVE blog should be up by say…Tuesday, just covering recent nights out, and random stuff.  Till then

Adios Amigo’s

Kermit

It’s been over a week since my last blog, so it’s about time I followed up with one.  Probably not the best of days to do one though…cause this morning I had my dad being a right fucking prick to me as usual, and I don’t want my blogs to just be whiney bullshit all the time.  I’d rather they be laid back, and a laugh…thats how I like life to be, but obviously life isn’t always Disney World positive! :p

  It’d be untrue to me to not comment a bit on it though (seeing as I’ve brought it up and it’s on my mind).  So yeah…my Dad, I despise the guy.  All that comes to mind when I think of my dad is just the complete and utter bastard he is and has been for the past several years.  He hasn’t given a shit about me for a long time (since early into high school), never took an interest in what I do, or what I want to do with my life, and I just don’t get on with him.  I rarely speak to him, I don’t attempt to make conversation with him (I got nothing to say to him, and I don’t consider him a friend so why the hell would I want to?), and I’m sick and f**kin tired of the way he treats me.
  Fair enough recently I’ve had to work with him as I’ve needed a job, and the job I have (in theory) is quite varied and decent, but oh no…it couldn’t be good.  My dad undermines pretty much everything I do, I’ve never had 1 bit of praise about my job, whenever he has anything work related to say to me (at work) it’s ALWAYS negative.  Sometimes he’ll try to put me down and call me on something I’m doing that’s (apparently) wrong, and then when I inform him on the matter, and I turn out to be in the right, he just shuts up and walks away.
What. A. Cunt!
  At home it’s no different, no talk, no nothing…the only time he talks to me (well ‘at me’) is when he wants to tell me off for something petty, I could go into the kitchen and be making something, and if he comes in…he’ll take a nosey at what I’m doing and look for a way to tell me off about mess that I’m making.  It’s fucking pathetic…EVERYONE makes some sort of mess along the way of cooking or preparing food.  His stupid fucking O.C.D like whinging about mess at home takes the piss, I ‘m sick of being told “I hope your gonna tidy up when your done”, and shit of that nature when I ALWAYS DO by default.  I don’t need to be told to tidy things up once I’m done cooking or whatever…yet he has to be all negative and act like I’m some sort of tool he has to keep telling off.  When I’m not.  It’s as if he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of trying to put me down, and it’s just 1 of the reasons for me to liken him to a sort of “high school bully” type figure, another would be the way he acts to me at home and at work (when no ones around), but in front of his work mates, or other people…he either says nothing, or says things in a more civilised way.  Kinda like how a bully would act innocent in front of a teacher or grown up.  95% of the time I make eye contact with my dad, he’s looking down on me, or looking dissapointed at me or whatever I’m doing.
 …it’s uncalled for (to say the least).  I don’t get what I’ve done (if it’s me) to make him be such a dick to me.

Today though…after his undermining of what and how I do things at work was just a push too far though, I am REALLY REALLY hoping I get a maintenance loan from the government regarding university, so that I can move out.  Whether that be halls, or a student flat.  It’s a bit last minute now, so I might not get to move day 1 that uni starts, but if I could have some sort of light at the end of the tunnel to know that I get to move out…it’d make me very happy, and make things more bareable at home until then.  Other than the uni loan, I don’t think I’d get the chance to move out anytime soon, as I have bad credit, and debts I need to get paying, so it’s not like I could afford to go to uni full time, move out, and pay those debts…which has me in a vice.

  To quote Alison from “The Breakfast Club”; “My Home Life is Unsatisfying”.  To say the least, even my mum seems to be hating on me more recently…and I feel like we’ve got a lot more distant recently too.  I can’t be assed even trying to fix any bridges between her or with my Dad though.  They’ve chosen there way to be, rather than talking out any issues, and actually getting to know me, they’re perfectly content in “judging me”, presuming things, and pushing negatives my way.  I can’t wait to move out…I can’t wait to get away from what I should call “my family”, because I don’t fit in there at all…I feel as though the hate my parents have for me has rubbed off onto my lil bro’s because they’re less assed about me these days too.  They used to always barge into my room to see what I was doing, etc…now they don’t, although I’m not really too beaten up about that.  The only person in my family who I get along with somewhat is my sister, but then again we share a major common ground at home…that being our dislike for our parents.

  Anyway…enough of that.  Moving on!  Positive time.

I’ll start off with the weekend just gone, and the weekend coming up…

Brown Hair Edition

Firstly, as you may know by now…I’ve gone from my hella light blonde hair…to Brown.  It’s a change I’ve been sitting on for a while, and finally went through with it (Again, as I did it briefly in 2008 too).  I’ll probably stick with it for longer now…get everyone used to it, then change things again ^_^ heh.  Nah I’ll probably keep it like this for a while now, as I’ve had blonde hair for ages…so it’s cool to have a change, plus a fair few people like it (compliments, yay!), and personally I think my brown hair looks less messy when it’s messy, where as when my blonde hair was messy…it’d be outrageously crazy.

So…Last weekend was the last ever “proper” Beats of Rage @ CODA.  Now, for those not in the know, Beats of Rage is a night held once a month at Coda that has a sort of cult following, I still find it hard to describe exactly what the music is, but it’s like electro, pumped with lots of different influences, and topped off with a lot of BASS.  I didn’t know if I’d like it before I experienced it myself (although the cool as fuck name did intrigue me).  Anyway, ever since the first time I went, I’ve not missed a single one, and I’ve introduced a number of my friends to it, whom I think have all had a good time whilst there.
  The last one (on the Sat just gone) wasn’t the greatest in comparison to the ones earlier this year, I say that as a member of the crowd, and I noticed a few of the regular crowd wasn’t there, but still…it was a cool as! night, and it was sad to see it end.  I have a video on my phone from near the end of the night, might try and get that into this blog.  It’ll be a messy video if I can dig it up though…as once my dancing feet were in full swing, it becomes like a heavy cardio session after dancing for hours in Coda (the tunes are too good to not dance too though ).

Now…this weekend, technically there is 1 last bit of Beats of Rage to be squeezed out of CODA.  This weekend is the last weekend the club is open (as it is being shut down by it’s owners…[not those that run it, and have made it the awesome place it is]), but although it’s the last weekend, it is definitely going out in style.

It’s the “Beach Please Festival” which basically, there open ALOT this weekend, with loads of local/ live bands playing, as well as dj’s pumping out other assorted awesome at night and such, and on Saturday night there’ll be some more Beats of Rage to be had…although it’s not a specific Beats of Rage night (which is what last weekend was), still I expect it’ll be awesome though, and that aside there are a few bands I want to see playing (Jelly’s Last Jam for definite ).  It’s £10 for a wristband, which gets you entry at anytime during the weekend (rather than paying on the door).  Trying to get as many a people to come as possible, but too many people sit around twiddling there thumbs plan-wise, so it’s all a bit sketchy as to who I’ll be going with yet (and to what bits etc).  I can definitely predict it being a weekend that people will regret missing though (if they don’t go).

  Nights out aside though…
  I ordered my first freebie from Coke Zone !
I ordered EA Active for Wii.  It costs between £40-50 in shops, so to get it for free is an amazing thing.  Plus it’s not like I had to go out of my way to drink diet coke to get the points to afford it (any coke products with Coke Zone on the bottle have codes though).  I decided to get EA Active as I really enjoyed Wii Fit and found it’s various little home excercise options to be quite good.  EA Active is different to Wii Fit though, and it’s aimed to give a better Cardio workout, so whenever I’m starting to get all Emo about my body, I’ll have EA Active to add to my home work out repetoire once it arrives.

Oh another thing I’m looking forward to that’s coming up is Geoff Rowley (Pro Skater) is coming for a meet and greet Barbecue thingy at Preston’s local Skate shop “Scene”.  Geoff Rowley is England’s most famous Skateboarder, but not to mention he’s a big name in the world of Skateboarding in general, so for him to be swining by the local skate shop is quite a shock to hear.  Which reminds me…I need to see Flip’s “Extremely Sorry” Skate Video, seen the others in the series, and really enjoyed them.

Segwaying off things I’ve seen and enjoyed…I’ve watched a few cool films recently.

First up (and most awesome). –> “Gran Torino“
…I’ve been meaning to watch it for a while, heard good things from a number of people, yet still…I wasn’t expecting it to be anywhere near as awesome as it was.  I didn’t really know for sure what the plot was about either, as the trailer doesn’t really do the film that much justice imo.  However…after watching, I can certainly say that it is probably the best film I’ve seen, and perhaps WILL see this year.

Next up… “I Love You, Man“.  I’m a fan of a number of people within this film, and saw the trailers, so I knew I’d enjoy it.  However still, I think this also was a film I enjoyed more than I thought I would.  It’s not as much of a lol-fest as some of Jason Segel and Paul Rudd’s movies are, but it was still a great comedy.  Thomas Lennon (from Reno 911) had a funny cameo also.

Next,  ”17 Again” I know, I know! …bare with me here, I know it’s Zac Efron, and I know that all these types of movies are generally only entertaining when you’re 12…HOWEVER!  This one was a lot better than I thought it would be.  First up, it’s not aimed at kids, and in fact…in comparison to all the other films of this nature, it’s plot is much more serious.  Also, the acting within, especially from Zac Efron was really good imo, the comedy came across well, and Zac Efron played his character really well too.  I was expecting him to just be some random kid, who’s shot to the big time via High School Music, and would actually stand out bad in a film with more established actors…but nope, he was good.  The story was pretty much as good as you could get for one of these types of films, and the humour was well delivered and at the right quantity imo.

 So yeah…I could easily reccomend all 3 of those to anyone in need of a DVD rental/ purchase anytime soon .

*notices word count is over 2000 :\

Hmm…ok, so I’ll end this blog now, but! I think I’ll be back again with another brief blog before the weekend, as I have a few little mental notes of things I wanted to mention, but I don’t want to drag out this blog TOO long, and I’m already kinda dissapointed that I had to serve “family issues” as the starter course to this blog too, but what can I say…it’s a big part of my life that’s eating at me right now, and I keep my blogs real.

Anywho, thanks for reading, and thanks for putting up with what I’m thinking was perhaps a badly structured blog.  Until the next one…Adios Amigo’s!

—

Kermit is currently/ recently:

Playing:

• Burnout Paradise (360) – Fallen in love again with this game recently, love it!  Perhaps my number 1 racing game during this current generation of video game consoles.
• Call of Duty: World at War – Loving the solo campaign, getting owned a lot though.
• ‘Splosion Man (XBLA) – A great fresh new 2d platformer, with a funky style and sense of humour.
• Bionic Commando (360) – Completed it on Sat, great game, has flaws, but I forgive a few of them due to my love for the series.  Shame it bombed at retail, and that GRIN (who made it) may be getting shut down.
• Bully: Scholarship Edition (360) – A great game by RockStar, reminds me in parts of both “GTA” and “The Warriors” (2 other great RockStar games), but yet it has it’s own vibe and is a game I’d forgotten how much fun it was.  Had it way back when on the PS2, bought it last year on 360 for cheap, and this time I’m determined to complete it
• Trivial Pursuit (360) – Less of a game in comparison to the above, but still a fun little time killer.
• Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles (Wii) – Played some multiplayer the other day, quite looking forward to the sequel of this too.
• Mario Kart Wii (Wii) – 1 of the best multiplayers on the console, and as such, twas the way I played it
  

  Current Mood: "Meh"

Watching:

• Weeds – I’m up to date on the current season of Weeds, and have been liking it a lot.  So crazy to think how far the series has come since it’s roots (irony, lol) in Season 1.
• I Love You, Man – See blog
• Gran Torino – See blog
• 17 Again – See blog
• Detroit Rock City – Re-watched this decent lil comedy the other day, oh…and KISS own!

OK so…I was writing up a blog, and got carried away on a certain issue, so I’ve now decided to take all the happy, joyous, regular, lolz, type stuff out of that blog, and give them there own garden to play in…and by that I mean, I’ve removed all the good wholesome stuff, and put it into it’s own blog.
 …this blog is solely about my parents, and my increased dislike for them recently.  What you read below is an excerpt from what started out as a normal blog.  So pardon the weird way it breaks in (because it originally segway’d out of a semi-related paragraph) …..
…seriously, Parents, specifically mine.  Not cool, not cool at all.  Really…REALLY getting pissed off at my dad recently, he’s just becoming a proper whinging prick to me (this has been the case since I was about 15, but recently he’s cranked the volume up).  The shitty thing is, I work with him, and Grandma clearly didn’t teach him “if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”, because the ONLY conversation I have with him at work is him criticising me, or degrading me.  I’ve took this kind of crap for ages, but recently it’s at a ‘grit my teeth’ level.

I can’t FUCKING wait to get to university, and not have to work around him, and I VERY VERY VERY much hope I get the opportunity to move out again soon, because I’m sick of being in the same house as him, because the same shit goes on there…he just like does nothing but wait for the smallest opportunity to have a go at me for something.  It’s just fuckin pathetic.
 I sincerely hope I’m not coming across as emo here, because this is non of that, this is real.  My dad is a prick, he seemingly has an OCD for cleaning or fucking around in the garden (when nothing needs doing), my sister and my mum both hate that aspect of him too.  Especially if say…he’s deciding to clean the kitchen, at a time when other people need to use the kitchen, yet he tuts and makes a fuss about people using the kitchen whilst he’s cleaning it, when technically people should say something at him for doing such a bellend task at such a bellend time.  It’s kinda pissing me off that I have so much hate for someone…someone who in theory I should respect or whatever…but I don’t respect him, he’s a complete ass.  Sure he was cooler as I was younger, but the personality he’s matured into as a family man or whatever…I hate.
  When I moved out last time, if it wasn’t for my need to pop home every 2 months or so to maybe pick something up or whatever, then I would’ve never even seen him, and he would’ve done fuck all about that (and neither would I), I had a weird morbid thought the other day that if my mum passed away or something like that, and I didn’t live at home…it would probably go many many years at a time before I’d see my dad, and personally that’s great for me, because he’s done way more than enough for me to hold a deep grudge against him.
  Anyway, enough about that guy.  …and onto my mum.  My mum I used to admire somewhat, as she is fairly cool in terms of what’s she’s into and such, a couple of my older rock tastes are because she played them when I was a kid, so they’re embedded within me, she’s also quite a big fan of stand up comedy, and Russell Brand, and bought herself a Nintendo DSi, and other cool traits, so I like that about her, she’s remained cool, where as my dad has just let anything cool about him fade away year by year in my opinion.  Still though, my mum has been weird with me recently too.  We rarely talk about anything, the only time I talk to her is occasionally when I need to borrow money until my next bit of pay or something, and that’s hardly talking, that’s just me asking if i can borrow mony (e.g. for cinema) thanking her, and going out.  Also, naturally I pay a form of rent to my mum too, and I figured this was a sort of “thanks” for making me meals and occasionally ironing my clothes when I’ve not pulled them out of the dryer and done it myself or whatnot, one thing is though…she’s recently just without saying stopped making me any ‘dinner/ tea’, which isn’t the end of the world as I can cook myself…but I don’t get what’s going on.  I’d ask but I feel cheeky asking her if she’s making anything, because it’s not her duty too, it’s just something I grew accustomed too I guess, so recently I’ve like waited till fairly late because it’s usually anywhere between 6pm-9pm that she may make something (not neccessarily just for me, but for everyone in the house), and then when it gets really late and I get the hint, I’d go make something myself, but the cupboards and fridge here is full of shit, it’s just junk food to be warmed up in the oven (which I’m not really a fan of on a day by day basis), so a lot of the time recently the culmination of my days eatings has come down to the likes of 2 bowls of cereal, or some ravioli and a few slices of toast.  If my mum had been formal in this, then I could’ve just been like “ok cool” and started buying stuff for myself to eat…which I’m pretty much gonna have to do now I think, unless I plan on living off cereal at home.  Anyway, the weird “cooking” aspect aside, I feel as though I’ve pissed her off recently, but I’m not sure how, I feel as though when she see’s it dissapoints her or something…it’s fucking weird.  My relationship with my mum did get a bit better the last time I moved out, obviously we saw each other a lot less, but she’d text me occasionally to ask how I was doing, and occasionally visit (every other month) to drop off mail and such, and then she’d at least attempt general conversation with me, household stuff, local news, whatever…a general convo ya know.  She never tries that kind of thing now.
  So now I live in a house with 2 parents (who don’t get a long), have both cranked up there dislike/ hate for me.

 Once again though, I’ve taken this shit for a while so it’s not like it’s painful to me…I’m desensitized to it, the way I see it…I have 2 shit parents, I have my university ambition, and 1 day in my own life, I will perhaps have my own family, and I can be a way more awesome parent than my parents could’ve ever imagined.

I think it was about the age of 12/ 13 that my dad gave up paying any interest into me, my hobbies, or what I was doing with my life, and it was probably this year that my mum has given up having any interest in my life also.  I know some people whom have grown up and now have there parents as sort of mature “go to” people who they can talk to about anything.  I have never had that…at any age, and I very much doubt I ever will.

  They still don’t have the slightest idea about my depression I had earlier this year, my near-suicide moment, my anti-depressant recovery …why? because it seemed to me like if I had of told them, there response was more likely to be negative.  Like they’d accuse me of being attention seeking, or something like that…which is fucking bullshit, as I kept it all to me, it was only at breaking point (me considering overdosing on household meds…reading into it, deciding against that, and then looking into hanging myself).  Plus also, on the subject of the depression stage I went through, they were at least 20-25% the reason (at the time) that I was depressed, crying myself to sleep and considering suicide.

I’m glad I’m passed that part of my life now, it was a real learning process going in and out of depression (with help from the nhs and my friends), I hope my little brothers manage to survive the next whatever years they live with my parents without having any serious scarring social issues based on shit parenting.  It’s not right that they drink so much in the evenings too…not so much my mum, definitely my dad, but still…both of them collectively.  They drink too much imo, and I seriously hope my dads anger issues dont get passed onto my little bro’s too.  …jeez when I think about all this parental bs, my mind…just keeps popping up with a “you need to move out” reminder.  I think I’ve gotten enough built up anti-parent frustration in me now…and the only thing my mind will go to on the subject is the solution.  So,  I think I’m gonna endify this blog here for now, it’s tiresome to write about one of (if not) the most dissapointing things in my life.  I just want to move away from them, and get University rolling, and be free from there negative impact on my otherwise smiley life.

Parent rant over.

So…I’m able to write this message from my PC, and from my parents, I’ve managed to get my mums little wireless receiver thing working on my PC, which should’ve been easier than it was (damn thing having to have me find and play about with drivers unlike anything I’ve ever installed before).  I need to get me a wireless receiver to call my own though, so that I can permanently be back on the internets.  I’ve been using the Wii internet channel to check emails and stuff yesterday and today until now…but that is hardly full internets.  I only really use my Wii internet browser to quickly show people YouTube stuff on a big screen

I’m still not completely done with moving yet either,

Me, in the dark in the back of a van holding onto a HDTV

yesterday was a tiring day of moving with help from a guy at my dads work, we crammed all my big things into a van, and a few bags of smaller things.  The journey from my old home, had to have a detour along the way to another 2 places (work related) before we got to my parents house, which sucked for me, why? …because I was in the back of the van, and I had to be…because I had to babysit my HDTV’s in there to make sure they didnt get too shook up or fall over (which they wouldve done without me being there).  We did move all the big stuff on Wed, but most of my clothes, and kitchen things like plates, glasses, cutlery etc are still there, as well as maybe a few bags of some other small things.  The plan was that today (Thursday) I would get to make another trip to get this stuff, but that went to shit (more on that in a sec), and now it’s going to be Friday I get to do this, which is going to be more rushed and pressured than it needed to be because I HAVE to hand the keys in tomorrow.

As for today though I was meant to be up as regular, go to work, get some time to do the rest of my moving, then do my actual work (eBay work at my dads place), and then I could hand the keys in to the people who “own” the property I rented.  That fucked up big time though.

Wednesday when I did my moving, it was freezing, and that day I built up a cold, which earlier today had amplified to a really really bad sore throat.  Anyway, yesterday after all the moving, I got home, and then it was a case of playing a tetris like game of fitting my things nicely into such a small room.  It was impossible to get all my stuff in here, this room is fkn tiny…it’s smaller than the bathroom I had been calling my own for the previous 9 months.  Anyway, after a day of hanging around at work and doing the moving, I came home and moved stuff and set it up, and I was finally done at about 10pm, I had a shit nights sleep on Tuesday night too, so yesterday tired the shit out of me.  I fell asleep in a beanbag chair about 11pm watching TV shows, when I woke up I set my bed up and went to sleep.  However, I kept waking up in the night, it’s SOOO cold in this room (even with this lil heater thing on all night), so the cold, and I think noises from strong rain outside kept waking me.
The only time I got a proper sleep session in was from about 6am onwards…this is where todays stupidity comes into play though.  My phone had somehow wedged under my travel bag of clothes, so I slept through the alarm.  I slept right up until about 3pm.  Meaning I missed work and I missed the chance to get all my other stuff moved a nice full day before I had too

In my room I’ve managed to get in my PC, my 42″ HDTV, 360, Wii, Surround sound/ home cinema, original XBOX, Megadrive, Snes, N64, PS2, my single mattress I sleep on (leaning against the wall), 1 travel case of clothes, my PC Chair, and 1 of my Beanbag chairs.  It is way cramped though.  I don’t think this is a place to accomodate having friends round at all.  My dad is hoping to extend my room a little by emptying out a sort of storage cupboard thing that is also home to the boiler (which I hear making sounds randomly all day).  That could then fit my PC in…getting me a small extra ammount of space.  All that will really accomplish though is the ability for me to keep my PC chair in this room at night, as currently when I want to go asleep I put the single mattress on the floor, the pc chair outside my door, and my beanbag squeezes in next to the door.  My mattress basically takes up near enough all the space between my PC and my HDTV though.  So it is very crammed in here, and tomorrow I’m gonna have to bring most of my clothes here too though, and I have no idea how I’m going to fit them in my room, they’re probably just going to have to go in a folded pile.

Me with the camera against the back wall

Me with camera against the window.

Crowded floor space

Tonight I should hopefully sleep better as my mum kindly bought me a double sized duvet (and cover) for my single mattress, as that will hopefully make sure I stay covered (fidgeting about in sleep means it can come up at the sides and expose me to the freezefest that this room is).  I’m hoping i get a good nights sleep too as today i would’ve caught up on sleep (after a period of shit sleeps).

It’s nice I have access to my most played consoles, big tv, and from tomorrow I’ll have access to the internet continuously again, that aside though I’m not happy here.  I really miss that total freedom I had in my old place, and I really REALLY hope it’s not too long until I get an opportunity to move out again

Kermit is currently/ recently:

• Busy moving…still not done
  

  Current mood: Lame, having to get use to this lil box of a room.

• …still has a bunch of people to call to advise I’ve moved/ change my address etc :p

Watching:

• Reno 911: Season 2, and just started Season 3.
• Aqua Teen Hunger Force (a bunch of DVD exclusive episodes that didnt get shown last season).